Sunday, August 13, 2006

5ive weird things about me.

Blogroll denizen and swell lingo-slinger Blue Wren has tagged me with one of those darn meme thingies whereby you write on a subject and pass it along. The topic du jour is "Five weird things about yourself."

Given the whole objective/subjective problem, it's hard to know what other people would consider weird about oneself, since oneself is normal to oneself, y'know? There are people who are, by any objective standard, weird, in that Michael J. Pollard sort of way. And then, there are those who appear to be normal in every way, but who have a freezer full of skinned cats in the basement. Still others embrace weirdness as a pathetic way of attracting attention to themselves. See, e.g., this asshole, or Stevie Nicks.

Compared to the truly weird, I'm pretty normal; compared to the truly normal, I'm pretty weird. Here, therefore, are five things about me that are weirder than normal.

1.) I'm incredibly lucky. Always have been. I've shot a hole-in-one on a regulation golf course, I've been on Jeopardy, I had an incredibly self-indulgent career doing exactly what I wanted to do (i.e., sex, drugs and rock & roll), followed by a second career as a responsible adult citizen and Officer of the Court. I have literally spanned the gamut from jester to judge. And it's just a matter of time until I win the Powerball lottery. I know this for a fact.

2.) I don't get sick. This ties in with Number 1, because there's no reason on earth that I shouldn't be in intensive care on a regular basis. I smoke like a locomotive and my ideal meal includes bacon, eggs and cheese. Combined with a 20 year history of enthusiastic drug abuse, I should be in a box today. But I don't even get colds. I get a headache about once a year. I don't remember the last time I vomited.

3.) I don't believe in God, the devil or the Boogeyman. Another thing that seems perfectly normal to me, but which puts me on the statistical fringe of society. And which leads to.....

4.) I'm not afraid to die. Remember last night, about 10 minutes after you fell asleep? Me, neither, but it wasn't particularly scary. I have no fantasies about floating around as a spirit, wishing I was still alive or roasting in a fiery pit, wishing I had sent money to one of those TV Christopaths. It will be just like being asleep. I'll never wake up, and I'll never be aware that I haven't awakened. I will cease to be. No big deal.

5.) I was born in West Virginia, with a birthmark shaped like the state of West Virginia. I dunno, maybe this should have been #1. Some are born weird, some achieve weirdness, others have weirdness thrust upon them.

Consider yourself tagged.


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