Only 9 shopping days left until Election Day.

Well, the Election holiday season is fast approaching, and I hate to wait until the last minute. You know how crowded the stores get on Election Eve. Plus, I have a jury trial coming up this week, so my time is already stretched pretty thin. Of course, there's no meal that says "Election Day" like turkey, but I'm usually so busy trying to keep the election from being stolen that I don't have time to prepare a big meal. And besides, the late returns from the West Coast make for a long evening, so I find it more practical to graze throughout the evening than to bloat on a big, sleep-inducing meal.

This year, I'm thinking about a regional theme, serving four rounds of light snacks as the returns come in from across the nation. For the East Coast, I'm thinking of crabcakes and Smithfield ham biscuits as a salute to a couple of new Senators, Maryland's Ben Cardin and the Old Dominion's Jim Webb. Either of those entrees can be washed down (and Rick Santorum can be washed out of office) with a tall, cool regional brew. I'll also put out a tray of Buckeyes in anticipation of a sweet, sweet, sweep in Ohio.

As the map moves to the Central Time Zone, the rout should be on in earnest, so we can toast the victory of Harold Ford with some oh-so-smeeooth, charcoal-filtered Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey. We'll also celebrate Missouri's contribution to the evening by raising a sauce-stained 21-rib salute to Claire McCaskill.

Westward ho, and there's no bigger "ho" for the Christopithecus agenda than Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave (R - CO4). We'll raise a glass of Rocky Mountain refreshment when the networks call the election for Angie Paccione. (Hey, you don't think I'd drink that right-wing piss from Golden, do you?) There's nothing better with a cold microbrew than some blue corn chips and New Mexico green chile, as we celebrate the victory of Patricia Madrid in the Land of Enchantment.

By the time the polls close on the West Coast, we're all liable to be pretty drunk. (Drunk on power, that is, bwaa-haa-haa!) So I'll be offering comp rooms to my guests, just like in Las Vegas baby.

Oh, and as long as I'm shopping, I'm probably gonna need some of this and some of these. Oh, and if there's even a hint of vote-counting irregularity, I'll need some of these and a few of these.

And in the spirit of the season, Happy Elections to all, and to all a good night!