Saturday, November 04, 2006

I had no idea the Baby Jesus loves me this much...

I tell ya', I'm this close to a "Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascus" conversion moment. As an atheist and a member of the reality-based community, it's difficult for me to accept the existence, much less the purposeful intervention, of a deity. But after the events of the past few days, I'm about ready to walk to the altar and give it up for the Baby Jesus (pictured at right).

My week of Sanctified Miracles started on Thursday, when, after a two-day trial on a felony possession with intent charge, a jury returned a not guilty verdict in favor of my client in a County Record 19 minutes! Now, it's not all that unusual for me to win a trial, but when you consider that twelve people will take 15 minutes to adjust their underwear, pick a seat at the table and elect a foreperson, 19 minutes is mighty damned impressive. I was so busy with my trial that it wasn't until that afternoon that I learned that the Reverend Ted Haggard of the Christopithecus Day Care Temple of Divine Grace, Anointed Blessings and Methamphetamine-fueled Man-love had been outed. Now, I'm a skeptic. I needed more proof that the Baby Jesus really loved me, so I asked him to send me a Sign. Something unmistakeable, like a picture of Pastor Brokeback Smokecrack with the Resident of the United States.

Imagine my rapturous surprise:

And then, in rapid succession, four days before the election, Bob Ney (R-Federal Prison) resigned, and the Army Times put the smackdown on Vlad Rumsfeld.

I'm tellin' ya', it's almost too much for this poor old atheist to take.


  • That's one freaky baby Jesus.

    Congrats on the victory. You should up your professional fees a notch, now that you're the record holder.

    By Blogger Blowing Shit Up With Gas, at 10:50 AM  

  • I enjoyed your post. I had two thoughts on Brother Haggard; one from my perspective as a Democrat/progressive, the other as a Christian.
    My first thought centers around my desire to see all of the Republican bastards currently in power relegated to the scrap heap of history. This desire has made me greedy. My first thought was "great, another hypocrite bites the dust". Then I got greedy. Why couldn't it have been Jerry Falwell? Or Pat "Hurricane" Robertson? Ralph Reed maybe? Or perhaps someone with even more ties to der party. You know, a grainy picture of Karl Rove and Jeff Gannon in a standing 69? But hey, we'll take it.
    Then, my take as a Christian. The aftermath revealed something disturbingbut not surprising about this "brand" of faux-Christian. It was later reported that the good rev admitted to possessing drugs, but vehemently denied any homosexuality.
    I pondered that choice for a bit and found it strange that he would admit to the free will act of drug use, something Haggard made a conscious decision to do (unless you buy into Calvinist predestination, the "Elect", etc) but would completely deny his own sexuality...the sexual preference that he was born with, the one that God gave him.

    By Blogger Hillbilly Dem, at 11:52 AM  

  • As much as the idea of worshiping babies tickles me, I think I'll stick to trees, rocks, air and all the other things I enjoy the benefits of here on good ol' Terra. Besides, babies burp up on you. But I get the point. Congrats on the trial -- WOW. Way to go, Roxtar! As to Haggard, this sort of monumental hypocrisy is no great surprise, but I am glad the stars aligned to out him when they did. And the Army/AF/Marines?Navy Times editorial is purely partisan, whatever their protestations of innocence to the contrary. However, it should also be noted that Rumsfeld, cement-headed as he is, didn't invade Iraq all by himself. He had enablers -- Bush, Cheney, et al, certainly, but also many active duty generals who would probably like very much to put the blame elsewhere. Well, I say bully for the Army Times editorial board, but I wonder why in the hell they waited so long.
    Looks like the only baby they were worshiping was the one named GeeDub.

    By Blogger Blue Wren, at 3:35 PM  

  • You raise an interesting point, my Hillbilly friend. Hasn't the party line always been that homosexuality is a chosen lifestyle? And yet, it would appear that he was "afflicted" with this demon. Afflicted by whom, I wonder. There's no spin free way for him to approach it other than to admit that he's gay and apologize for the pain his denial has caused, particularly to his wife, who was either willing to turn a blind eye, was in on the con, or was truly cow-stupid and innocent.

    Any other explanation raises questions of nature v. nurture that have already been answered (and not favorably to Rev. Ted) by Dobson et al.

    By Blogger roxtar, at 8:11 PM  

  • Bob Ney (R-Federal Prison) resigned,

    I'd like to take a minute to acknowledge the greatness of this.

    Ney is one of the worst politicians of our time. He's the kind of guy who would preach about the need for strict and draconian drug laws on TV just before he sits down to a table full of blow. Glad to see his political career is over.

    By Blogger CM Edwards, at 6:06 AM  

  • I, too, find your Baby Jesus pic kinda creepy.

    But otherwise - hey! Great news all around!

    Let's hope Tuesday has some more goodies in store for us.

    By Blogger Kevin Wolf, at 4:08 PM  

  • You know, there was once a time when a Chief Resident could be considered mostly Not Insane. Alas, not for yonks has this been the case.

    Congrats on the verdict, Rox. What time you firin' up the grill tomorrow?? I'd be over in a trice if anonymity and hundreds of land miles did not keep us apart.

    By Blogger Will Divide, at 8:16 PM  

  • Oh, how I long for the good old days of the Papoon Administration. I plan on being in Big Shouldersville for the Kos thing in August. The Whole Beef Halves are on me.

    By Blogger roxtar, at 2:16 AM  

  • Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:45 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home