Sunday, October 29, 2006

Only 9 shopping days left until Election Day.

Well, the Election holiday season is fast approaching, and I hate to wait until the last minute. You know how crowded the stores get on Election Eve. Plus, I have a jury trial coming up this week, so my time is already stretched pretty thin. Of course, there's no meal that says "Election Day" like turkey, but I'm usually so busy trying to keep the election from being stolen that I don't have time to prepare a big meal. And besides, the late returns from the West Coast make for a long evening, so I find it more practical to graze throughout the evening than to bloat on a big, sleep-inducing meal.

This year, I'm thinking about a regional theme, serving four rounds of light snacks as the returns come in from across the nation. For the East Coast, I'm thinking of crabcakes and Smithfield ham biscuits as a salute to a couple of new Senators, Maryland's Ben Cardin and the Old Dominion's Jim Webb. Either of those entrees can be washed down (and Rick Santorum can be washed out of office) with a tall, cool regional brew. I'll also put out a tray of Buckeyes in anticipation of a sweet, sweet, sweep in Ohio.

As the map moves to the Central Time Zone, the rout should be on in earnest, so we can toast the victory of Harold Ford with some oh-so-smeeooth, charcoal-filtered Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey. We'll also celebrate Missouri's contribution to the evening by raising a sauce-stained 21-rib salute to Claire McCaskill.

Westward ho, and there's no bigger "ho" for the Christopithecus agenda than Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave (R - CO4). We'll raise a glass of Rocky Mountain refreshment when the networks call the election for Angie Paccione. (Hey, you don't think I'd drink that right-wing piss from Golden, do you?) There's nothing better with a cold microbrew than some blue corn chips and New Mexico green chile, as we celebrate the victory of Patricia Madrid in the Land of Enchantment.

By the time the polls close on the West Coast, we're all liable to be pretty drunk. (Drunk on power, that is, bwaa-haa-haa!) So I'll be offering comp rooms to my guests, just like in Las Vegas baby.

Oh, and as long as I'm shopping, I'm probably gonna need some of this and some of these. Oh, and if there's even a hint of vote-counting irregularity, I'll need some of these and a few of these.

And in the spirit of the season, Happy Elections to all, and to all a good night!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

NJ Court rules in favor of gay marriage or its equivalent.

This just hit the news, and I may have more to say about it after I have a chance to read the opinion, but it's another opportunity for me to make a point about marriage that I never see anyone else make.

The marriage relationship is the most exalted and protected relationship recognized by American law. The State can deprive you of your property, your right to vote, and your right to possess firearms. The government can restrict your freedom to travel, your ability to operate a business or to drive a vehicle. The State can lock you up, terminate the parent child relationship and, under certain circumstances, put you to death. But there is one thing the State cannot do.

Under no circumstances can the State dissolve a valid marriage without consent of one of the parties.

The rights, privileges and protections of the marriage relationship are the most fundamental rights we enjoy as citizens.

You do not have to show a rational basis for being married. It is inconcievable, therefore, that there could be a rational basis for denying two people the right to engage in marriage or, in other words, to enjoy this most fundamental of rights.

It's nice to see justice triumph once in a while.

Hey, get your fresh, hot dirt here!

A more loathesome and scurvy noble and civic-minded group you'll never hope to see. If you're a blogger, think about posting this source code somewhere in your blog, so that The Google will help spread the word about these pustulent buboes fine Republican candidates.

--AZ-Sen: Jon Kyl

--AZ-01: Rick Renzi

--AZ-05: J.D. Hayworth

--CA-04: John Doolittle

--CA-11: Richard Pombo

--CA-50: Brian Bilbray

--CO-04: Marilyn Musgrave

--CO-05: Doug Lamborn

--CO-07: Rick O'Donnell

--CT-04: Christopher Shays

--FL-13: Vernon Buchanan

--FL-16: Joe Negron

--FL-22: Clay Shaw

--ID-01: Bill Sali

--IL-06: Peter Roskam

--IL-10: Mark Kirk

--IL-14: Dennis Hastert

--IN-02: Chris Chocola

--IN-08: John Hostettler

--IA-01: Mike Whalen

--KS-02: Jim Ryun

--KY-03: Anne Northup

--KY-04: Geoff Davis

--MD-Sen: Michael Steele

--MN-01: Gil Gutknecht

--MN-06: Michele Bachmann

--MO-Sen: Jim Talent

--MT-Sen: Conrad Burns

--NV-03: Jon Porter

--NH-02: Charlie Bass

--NJ-07: Mike Ferguson

--NM-01: Heather Wilson

--NY-03: Peter King

--NY-20: John Sweeney

--NY-26: Tom Reynolds

--NY-29: Randy Kuhl

--NC-08: Robin Hayes

--NC-11: Charles Taylor

--OH-01: Steve Chabot

--OH-02: Jean Schmidt

--OH-15: Deborah Pryce

--OH-18: Joy Padgett

--PA-04: Melissa Hart

--PA-07: Curt Weldon

--PA-08: Mike Fitzpatrick

--PA-10: Don Sherwood

--RI-Sen: Lincoln Chafee

--TN-Sen: Bob Corker

--VA-Sen: George Allen

--VA-10: Frank Wolf

--WA-Sen: Mike McGavick

--WA-08: Dave Reichert

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Last President of Free America

In a way, it was perfect and inevitable that William Jefferson Clinton would be the last President of Free America. He was the embodiment of the history and the character of the United States. He was smart, dynamic, accomplished, powerful, creative, persuasive, humble, charming, generous, compassionate; make a list of all the great attributes Bill Clinton can claim, and apply that list to America.

Of course he had his flaws, as does America. But America (and more importantly, the idea of America) was always so great, so good, that its flaws were more than amply mitigated in the court of world opinion. We declared that all men are created equal, and the power of that ideal was so fucking great that our treatment of African -Americans as 3/5 of a person was overlooked. Our slaughter of Native Americans was overlooked. Segregation was overlooked. Those sins were overlooked because it was recognized that we had set our bar impossibly high; we were bound to fall short, but we never, ever lowered the bar. We liberated Europe, and used nuclear weapons of mass destruction against civilian populations in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and nobody even suggested that our evil had outweighed our good.

Now consider the cheap-jack Caligula to whom America has entrusted its ideals. Take another look at that list of attributes, and apply them to the first American president of the 21st Century. Smart? Please. Dynamic? He napped while New Orleans drowned. Accomplished? His family's money and influence shielded him from one disaster to another. Powerful? Only in the sense that a school-yard bully is powerful. Creative? In a universe of infinite possibilities, the best he can come up with is "Stay the course." Persuasive? The man couldn't convince me to fart after a three-burrito dinner. Humble? He's an arrogant little turd. Charming? See "humble." Generous? People are having bake sales in order to buy body armor for those he so blithely placed in harm's way. Compassionate? He's never seen a death warrant he has refused to sign.

What positive aspect of the American personality did he embody when he lied us into an elective war against a country that posed no threat to us? What essence of the generous American spirit does he display when he cuts taxes for the rich while military families are lined up at food pantries and soup kitchens? What qualities of leadership were demonstrated when his vaunted "Coalition of the Willing" included 12 soldiers from Moldovia and 45 Royal Marines from Tonga (since withdrawn)? And don't forget Poland!

Whether we like it or not, our President is the face America presents to the world. And the face we currently present to our neighbors on this planet is that of a mean, pinched, spoiled, spiteful and bitter dry-drunk. The once high bar of our aspirations has been bumped down, foot by foot, by this feckless boob. Ignore the Geneva Conventions. (Bump.) Suspend habeas corpus. (Bump.) Play to people's fears, rather than their aspirations. (Bump.) Give people propaganda instead of the truth (Bump.) Lie. (Bump.) Cheat. (Bump.) Steal. (Bump.)

Until finally, the bar is so low that the wet-brained successor to Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt can slither over it and declare himself "hi-jump champeen of the hole wurld."

Well, we brought this upon ourselves, I guess. But what of the rest of the world? They've done nothing to deserve having the brightest light and best hope of the planet snuffed out. Who do they look to now? I'm deadly serious. How can you inspire yourself to heroism after you've caught your own hero with his fingers in the cookie jar and his head up his ass?

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.

The truth is, the world is the weak. And we're the tyranny of evil men. But we've gotta try harder, Ringo. We've gotta try real hard to be the shepherd again.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Out, damned earwig! Begone!!

It's happened to all of us. A song, a theme, a snippet of music bores its way into your head, and absolutely refuses to be dislodged.

For some reason, earwigs rarely seem to be music you like. No, friends, earwigs are horrid, annoying pieces of melody or rhythm whose very existence is a affront to refined taste. A smudge of Wishbone Ash, a dollop of Cream, a squeeze of Chris Dilford...these are welcome visitors, like a blog hit from an old college pal. They appear, refresh your recollection, and fade. I once spent a pleasant afternoon with Boccherini's Minuet, in both the string quintet and Spinal Tap instrumentation.

But that's not an earwig. An earwig is a vile, despicable thing, an auditory abomination so loathsome that my regard for you, the reader, prevents me from suggesting some of the more common manifestations of this infestation. (Afternoon Delight) No, it would be a rude host indeed (Milkshake) who would even mention (Who Let the Dogs Out) some of the more horrific (Anything by Abba) parasites that can become wedged (Achy Breaky Heart) among the malleus, incus and stapes of the memory (Mr. Roboto).
Earwigs are not mere figments (Leather and Lace) of our imagination; they have a scientific basis. (Barbie Girl)

It's not that I dislike pop music. (New York, London, Paris, Munich) I used to program Top-40 radio stations and promote records for a major label. (Here's a joke: A frog and a rabbit meet by the watering hole. Being blind, neither can identify the other. What's more, being blind, neither has ever seen itself. The first animal agrees to try to describe the second animal by touch alone. "You have soft fur, and a wiggly nose, and long, floppy ears. You must be a rabbit!" The rabbit was overjoyed, and set out to describe his new friend. "You're cold, and you're slimy, and you have no ears at all. You must be a record promoter!")

I can tolerate the most mindless piece of pop fluff, as long as it's got the hook. But I want to be able to turn it off when I choose.

I'm currently suffering from the music in a Budweiser commercial, which is apparently by someone called the Chemical Brothers. It's called "Galvanize." There's a Bollywood sounding string riff and what sounds like a 13 year old rapper, advising us that "There's a potty ovah heah, so you might as well be heah, where the people ceah." (Psst. Dude, might want to get those adenoids checked out by a professional.)

Who will deliver me from this troublesome beast? Any ideas?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ever been punched really hard?

The charming and delightful Will Divide gets in a good shot to the kidney while the referee is looking at the ring girl.

These numb-eyed, pasty-faced fucks, these murderers, these war criminals; these insane actors hold no mystery to me. They have made this country what it is today, and I've lived here my whole goddamn life. You can tell by looking at them what they are capable of, which is nothing more morally exalted than a gang rape; nothing more strategically acute than beating a man tied to a chair.

Not to be outdone, Who is IOZ pulls a fish-hook out of his trunks and opens a bleeder over the GOP's eyes.

The Congrefs of the United States of America, the Greatest Nation in the Country, pace Agnew, has empowered its apashiac child-emperor to wage unilateral war, has stamped its imprimateur on vicious acts of torture, has eliminated the right to contest charges and imprisonment not only for foreigners but for its own citizens, and now proposes to wage not a first, not a second, but a third aggressive war in a span of five years.

No matter how many smiley faces you doodle in the margins, the spider in the center of the flag is still a Swastika.

For me to comment after reading these would be like enjoying a Kobe beef tenderloin, and washing it down with Diet Mr. Pibb.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


Stop. Don't read this. It's inferior. Instead, go here. Read this.

It's what I would have written if I was far more thoughtful and talented.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Shame on you, you coward.

Shame on you, you odious toady.

Shame on you, you whiny-ass titty baby.

Shame on you, you gutless bastard.

You took an oath to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America. And now you've voted to suspend rights guaranteed by that Constitution. The right to confront accusers. The right to a fair and public trial. The right of habeas corpus.

You've given war criminals political and legal cover for their crimes. You've voted for a law that legalizes torture, and lets the executive say what degree of torture is and isn't legal, and in so doing, you've taken a giant dump on the doctrine of separation of powers. You've encouraged our enemies to disregard the Geneva Convention, and dragged us down from the moral high ground we once possessed with pride.

I might as well be represented by the bloated, festering corpse of fucking Jesse Helms. You're a punk. You make me puke.

Editor's note: If you haven't read it lately, Sinclair Lewis' prescient novel, It Can't Happen Here is available online as part of the Gutenberg Project. Read it before Senator Rockefeller makes it illegal.

Now that's some zippy writing

From WhoisIOZ?

Now here we are with a supreme leader who's as likely to toss a guy in the gulag for making bad chili at the cook-off as for being a terrorist, a fellow who can't even manage the basic presidential task of mouthing a series of ecclesiastical non sequiturs in the midst of habitually jingoistic exhortations to national destiny without getting tangled up in every word of more than a single syllable, without pausing to display the self-congratulatory smile of a toddler who's got the round peg in the round hole for the very first time each time he speaks without stuttering some line that his speechwriting sycophants assured him ahead-of-time would bring applause. He's worse than a simpleton. They ought to teach him basic sign language and give him a fucking kitten, then write a children's book about it to give to some future president for studious consideration on the eve of the next grave attack on American soil.

Go enjoy. Thanks to Neddie for the pointer.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

No one could have forseen that the Levis would be breeched...

Congressman Mark Foley (R-NAMBLA).....shit, I had no idea the Baby Jesus loved me this much. He's Leaving No Child's Behind. Foley, Hastert, Reynolds, Shimkus, they're all on the same page. The jokes just write themselves..... And this clown is Rush Limbaugh's congressman. The schadenfreude is especially beautiful this season.

UPDATE: Mark Foley has checked in to alcohol rehab. In other news, Jeffrey Dahmer acknowledges being "overly friendly", joins Overeaters Anonymous.